Title: Just Watching
Fandom: Panik RPS
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction, the real people in it are used without their permission and I definitely don't own them or have any copyright to any part of any of them. I do not believe any of this happened, is likely to happen or should happen it is simply a story created around known facts about those involved.
Summary: Linke watches Jan and keeps his feelings secret.
Author's Notes: I'm in Holland at the moment and on a very scrappy internet connection, but I couldn't let Fluff Friday go by without posting something. This is unbeta'd because I can't be sure the connection will work long enough to send it to Soph. I'll have it beta'd later and correct the mistakes then :).
Word count: 2,293
Linke sat in the chair just watching Jan and he let himself smile just a bit. They were at the studio recording and at the moment there was only him, David, Juri and Jan in the place and Juri and David were actually working at the moment while he and Jan took a break. It had been a long few days and Jan had sat down on the sofa and promptly fallen asleep. Linke knew that Jan had the moustache and goatee to try and look older, but with the way his slightly longer hair curled around his ears when he wasn't wearing a hat, Linke thought it had the opposite effect.
Not that Linke objected to the new look; he thought it was incredibly sexy and it gave him all sorts of new fantasies. Jan had been a player in his dreams for quite some time and he let himself watch while it was safe. No one knew that he had fallen for their DJ, in fact no one even knew that he wasn't one hundred percent straight and that was the way he intended to keep it. With the upheaval in the band over the last year or so, the last thing they all needed was a bassist who thought he might be a bit on the gay side.
Jan was, to put it bluntly, adorable; adorable and sexy in Linke's expert opinion. It had been thoughts like that which had given him his first clue that maybe the female of the species was not his only desire. He hadn't woken up one day and suddenly decided that being straight was no fun; it had crept up on him until he'd finally stopped living in denial. The fact that Jan had moved into his heart as well complicated matters, but he was very careful not to alert the subject of his affections or his band mates. If anyone ever hurt Jan they were in so much shit, but unless that happened he was happy to stay in the background.
When he was sleeping Jan lost the mischievous set to his features and he looked so innocent he could have been an angel. Given some of the trouble Jan liked to get into, that was rather an incorrect impression, but Linke thought it showed the underlying personality. Jan never did anything malicious and any trouble that followed always seemed to surprise Jan as if he had had no idea it could possibly happen. It was more than a little endearing.
Linke let his eyes run over Jan's relaxed features taking in the details that the rush of the day never let him see properly. Times like this were rare in their hectic schedule and times when Jan was still were even rarer. This was a luxury he was not often allowed and he really didn't want it to end.
What he would have loved to do was reach out and tuck the stray curl behind Jan's ear, maybe linger for a little and feel that soft hair, but he knew he didn't dare. Jan was not his to touch and he was not sure he would be able to stop if he allowed himself even a little leeway. There were imperfections in Jan's face, he wasn't blind to those, but he had never been fond of perfect beauty and he found Jan far more attractive with those things that made the little DJ unique. Awake Jan was all energy and asleep Jan seemed to be perfect calm. Linke loved it all.
If he had been allowed he could have watched for hours and when Jan snuffled quietly and moved he found himself smiling again. Soon they would be called back into the studio and his moment of indulgence would end, but he enjoyed his time while it lasted.
Sometimes he wondered what the others would say if they knew, or what Jan would say. The problem was, his imagination was far too good at conjuring the worst case scenarios and so he very rarely let himself think like that. He knew his friends weren't homophobic, but he had imagined a thousand different ways for this to go wrong and he was not going to put all their dreams on the line for his selfish desires. He would admire from afar and be content; he had decided that almost as soon as he realised that his heart no longer belonged to him.
A noise to the side shook him out of his reverie and he looked up to see David standing in the doorway.
"We're ready for you again," was what David said and Linke nodded before moving to wake Jan.
Their time together was over. His stolen moment was now gone, but he grinned and pretended to be his usual self when Jan opened his eyes.
"They're done," he said, offering his friend a hand up, "let's go."
It was a hard afternoon of work and Linke had almost forgotten his half an hour of indulgence by the time the four of them were packing up. He was putting away his bass when he felt someone behind him and he turned to find that David was just standing there.
"Did we miss something?" he asked, wondering why David had left the other two packing up in the other room.
"I think the rest of us did," David said after a moment and walked right up to him.
Linke frowned, he wasn't sure what David was talking about. It might have been a hard graft all afternoon, but it had gone very well indeed.
"What?" he asked, not understanding what David was getting at.
"How long has it been going on?" David asked and crouched down next to him.
That made his frown deepen; David wasn't making any sense.
"I don't know what you're talking about," he said, since he really didn't.
"You and Jan," David said simply, no accusation in his tone, but clearly wondering.
For a little while Linke didn't move, didn't even try and say anything. He had been caught and he wasn't sure what to say.
"There's nothing going on," he said, since it was the honest truth.
David didn't let him get away with that.
"Maybe not from Jan," David said and looked him directly in the eye, "but I know you, Chris. I've seen the expression I saw on your face this afternoon once before and she wasn't good enough for you and it almost killed you when she dumped you. How long have you been in love with Jan?"
If there was one person in the band who was perceptive, it was David and Linke realise he should have known that sooner or later it would be David who caught him. They had known each other a long time and he liked to think he was enigmatic, but he had a nasty suspicion that most of the time David could read him like a book.
"A while," he replied, not bothering to try and deny it.
David examined his face for a while and he allowed it because he knew there was no point in running away from the discussion.
"Does he know anything about it?" his friend asked in a surprisingly gentle tone and Linke shook his head.
The idea of Jan knowing filled him with hope and with dread in equal measure.
"I won't risk the band," he explained, knowing that David would at least understand that. "My wants aren't worth that."
David's expression wasn't overly convinced.
"You should tell him," was David's eventually response and Linke was not surprised; at heart David was a romantic.
The idea even made him smile just a little.
"It's not worth it," he said simply.
"Jan's not worth it?" David immediately shot back.
That wasn't what he had meant at all and he lost his smile.
"Jan is worth everything," he said, a little more harshly than he meant to, "but Jan loves this band and the last thing he needs is me complicating everything and possibly wrecking it. I thought you would understand that."
David's features softened at that and David sighed quietly, but Linke thought he had made his point.
"I do understand," David finally said and patted him on the arm, "but I think you are selling yourself short."
As David stood up and walked away Linke just watched and then he went back to his bass. He didn't agree with David; he knew Jan would never want him, but he had come to terms with it some time ago. He could love from afar like Don Quixote, although Jan wasn't exactly Dulcinea.
Even though David gave him the odd look over the next few days, things went on as normal. They finished the recording and prepared for some lives and all seemed to be going to plan. Jan was as bouncy and cheerful as ever and Linke let himself enjoy the simple pleasure of his friend's company as they lived their dream. Their first festival went very well and Linke wandered around the backstage area after their set winding down. They'd done a quick signing for the fans and then he'd slipped away from the others for a little peace.
When he had gathered his thoughts back together the last thing he expected was the turn and find Jan standing only a few feet away.
"We found beer," Jan said with a grin and held up two bottles, "thought you might like one."
"Thanks," he replied and took the offering gratefully.
There was nothing quite like a cold beer to help cool off after a stage show, of course, as he found out very quickly, the bottle was nothing like cold beer, but at least it was wet. One day he wanted to have a big tour bus with a really good fridge.
"Linke," Jan said, looking at his face very intently, "come here."
"Why?" he asked, wondering what Jan wanted.
"There's something on your face," Jan said, peering at him even closer.
"Where?" he asked, brushing at his face.
"Come here and I'll show you," Jan said and so he ducked down a little so Jan could get a better look.
What he really, really wasn't expecting was for Jan slide a hand round the back of his head and then, before he could get away, smash their lips together like he really meant it. It was so surprising in fact that his heart all but stopped and his brain refused to process what was going on. If it hadn't been for instinct he would probably have just stood there like a lemon, but instinct was a very powerful thing and he'd been sitting on his for quite some time. With his higher thoughts all but off he just reacted rather than thinking, and finally being given what he had been dying for had him snaking his arms around Jan and kissing back with all he had.
When they broke for air two things happened simultaneously: he realised he had fallen for one of the oldest tricks in the book; and he realised he was kissing Jan.
"You ... why..?" he really wasn't sure what he was trying to ask.
"I heard you and David talking," Jan told him, looking a little flushed, "and I've never been loved like that before."
Linke was not sure that was a good foundation for a relationship.
"I can't let that go by," Jan continued to speak, "not without giving it a chance."
For once in his life Linke had absolutely no idea what to say.
"Stop thinking," Jan said with a broad smile and pulled him back in by the front of his t-shirt.
His more pessimistic thoughts tried to kick in then, but Jan looked so happy and so inviting that he finally decided to do as he was told. Jan's hair was just as soft as he had thought it would be when he threaded his fingers into it and the he decided he liked the tickle of facial hair as he allowed Jan to reinitiate the kiss.
This time he let himself believe it might go on, allowing his desperation to fade a little and enjoying the touch for what it was. Jan pushed up close to him so they were wound around each other and Linke was in heaven. Consequence just didn't seem to matter now that he finally had Jan in his arms. Sinking into the sensations and the simple enjoyment he totally lost track of anything else and only a noise from behind Jan made him look up.
When he did there was no one there, but he had a feeling that someone had been there a moment before.
"Not that way, Timo," he heard David's voice from just around the corner and he had to smile.
"What, why?" came Timo's reply, "I'm sure Jan went that way."
"Jan's busy," was all David replied and then Linke heard Timo being dragged off grumbling.
Jan's eyes were sparkling with delight when he looked back down.
"We'll need a camera to record the moment when we tell Timo," Jan said with a grin.
Then, for the first time, Linke found himself smiling back. He couldn't remember feeling this happy for a long time and it just burst out of him. Jan was really there in his arms, it wasn't a dream or a desire anymore, it was actually happening and Jan seemed to want it to go on. It was more than he could have asked and he pulled Jan close to his chest and just hugged his friend; he never wanted to let go.
"Um, Chris," Jan's muffled voice reached his ears, "I'd like to breathe."